Updated: Aug 26
Is casual sex etiquette an oxymoron? Is the very nature of casual sex that it is fleeting and free from the obligatory ties of relationships, therefore you can sashay out the door with all the associated pleasure and none of the worry?
In a word, yes. No strings attached sex is meant to be enjoyable and easy.
For the sake of clarity, within this article I’m referring to casual sex with someone with whom you’re familiar with, but also attracted to. The sex is good but you’re not harbouring any residual, unrequited feelings for them nor are you trying to trick them into a relationship whilst they’re busy basking in the joy of an orgasm.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer sex, even casual sex, to fulfil me not just physically but as an actual human. In other words, it’s not a fucking service transaction.
Here’s some basic courtesies that will keep your casual sex sweet:
Respect their time as much as you do your own.
“Booty call” is a crass colloquialism that you don’t need to stoop to just because you want to keep something casual. You are allowed to plan to have sex with someone ahead of time. The same common courtesies still apply. If you say you’ll be there at 9pm do not arrive at 2am and expect it to be cool, just cuz ya know…
2. Can you get over yourself please?
Just because you’ve had a glass of wine, an orgasm and some pillow talk (maybe even slept over and had a coffee) does NOT mean you can assume that they are desperately in love with you and want a relationship. Disregard your egotistical self assurance and don’t get too excited about it.
3. But, do keep things honest.
If you’re over it then say so and don’t continue having sex. If one of you catches feelings, discuss, evaluate and sever ties.
4. Going to someone’s house for sex?
Take a bottle of wine, some ice cream, massage oil or a nice candle. Just because it’s casual doesn’t mean you can’t be charming.
5. In the early stages of casual sex with someone new?
At least pretend to want to have a drink, coffee or watch a movie before the inevitable slither to the bedroom. Chances are they’re well aware that it’s a tokenistic gesture before sex, but R U UP? or WYD? does not count as foreplay, nor is it nice.
Just because you’re casual doesn’t mean you’re exempt from awkward sex chat, and yes, mate we know things feel better without a condom. It’s never okay to not discuss and, umm blow your load on or in someone without consent. Doing so is a breach of trust and respect and the only mature way to rectify is with a conversation, and a trip to the pharmacy together for the MAP.
7. Read the room.
By that I mean, be okay with going home whenever you sense that it’s time to give your lover their space back. If it’s not apparent then top clues are: “What do you have on in the morning?”, “I’m so tired *yawn*”, and my favourite “Let me slip you into something more comfortable…an UBER”.
8. Text to say thank you.
No, you are not in a relationship and no you don’t owe them a thank you card. But, I’m sure you were raised better than being negligent of common courtesies. Given the intimacy of sex (and sleeping together) it never hurts to fire off a “Hey, thanks for letting me use your vagina as a glove xo” note of gratitude does it?