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How to answer the hardest question in the world

Possibly the most unimaginative and simultaneously intrusive question after “What do you do?” is…”Why are you still single?” It just makes me think:

A) God, you are boring.

B) Is this any of your business? Would you like to know my bra size next?

C) Did I audition for the Bachelor without even being aware?

Depending on the reality of your situation, answering this question with sophistication can be a difficult beast, mostly because it usually comes at the wrong moment and/or with a lack of sincerity. Cynicism aside, here’s some tried and tested* ways to answer the most difficult question since ‘What is the meaning of life?’…

  1. Without skipping a beat unapologetically quip back, “I haven’t met anyone who has enough money to support my lifestyle”.

  2. Cry. This will diffuse the situation immediately, the person will leave you alone and best of all there will be NO MORE QUESTIONS.

  3. Change the subject…subtly, blatantly or sneakily, “Look a flying pig”, will do just fine, as will asking to borrow $850.

  4. Say, “I kill them all” and smile manically.

  5. Hiss and run away.

  6. Close your eyes, clench your fists and pray that the earth will open up and swallow you.

  7. Spill your coffee on you, them or anything around you.

  8. Say: “Ummmmm because I’m building my fucking EMPIRE” then pull out your light saber and cut them somewhere (not enough to kill them but just enough to shock them)

  9. Deny and say you’re not single. (Better get sorted on a solid profile of your imaginary partner for this option.)

  10. Lower your voice and inform them that you have webbed feet or 3 nipples and politely excuse yourself from the conversation

  11. Explain in a very patronising tone that you are in an exclusive relationship with George Clooney, Johnny Depp and/or Brad Pitt and don’t have time for other men.

  12. Pull out an album of photos of your cat or dog and say that you have invested in a more fulfilling relationship with a fur baby.

  13. Start rapping “I GOT HOE’S IN DIFFERENT AREA CODES” by Ludacris. I’m pretty sure there will be no more questions after this point.

  14. Pull out a business plan, copy of your manuscript, screen play or acting reel and say “THIS IS WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY because all of my time and energy is devoted to this LOVE HATE RELATIONSHIP THAT I HAVE WITH THIS BLOOD SUCKING PROJECT!” Then ask if they want to read it/watch/see it. They should quickly fuck off.

  15. Tell your life story, including excerpts from your psychoanalysts repost and Lacanian or Freudian perspectives with a summation of the reason that you cannot be loved and/or find love.

  16. Flip them the bird and say ‘none of your fucking business’ before you flounce off.

Fuck subtlety, life is too short.

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