On the 14th of February, every year, the world is polarised. Half of us become hazily consumed by lust and romance and the other half of us basically want to slash our wrists.
I think everyone is missing the point. Valentine’s Day is the perfect excuse to lavish yourself with champagne, chocolate, (erotic) massages and grandiose floral arrangements. Failing that, getting drunk and being generally obnoxious also does the trick. Whatever you do, just don’t be that guy; the one who’s bitterly hating on everyone (and themselves) for spending money on another commercially indulgent, redundant festive occasion.
Instead, here’s some totally acceptable, thrilling and intoxicatingly cheeky ways to seduce yourself (and stretch your sense of humour) this Valentine’s Day.
Make a reservation at a shmoozy restaurant for you and best friend, drink cocktails, feed each other oysters and then finish the night by dancing on the table and swapping outfits whilst singing Prince – ‘Cream’.
Play EX Cluedo. Replace characters with significant exes’ names and enjoy imagining them getting brutally murdered with various weapons (you can also change them too… lead pipe becomes Butchers Hook? I THINK SO!) I also I highly recommend adding a drinking component to the game i.e.: Roll 2 sixes, TEQUILA!
Scroll through your phone book and send a suggestive text message to everyone you have ever kissed and/or slept with. Yes – I mean attempt to Booty Call. YES, EVERY SINGLE ONE.
Go out with your friends, get drunk and belligerent and throw coasters at people making out.
Have an EX party. Everybody invited must bring an ex girlfriend/boyfriend and a bottle of booze. Get drunk and watch that shit unravel.
Ask your favourite Tinder match out on a date. When you’re on the date slip the waiter/waitress your phone number. Implement with subtlety but make sure your date still notices.
Casually drop ‘I Love You’ into normal conversations all day. EG: “Can I please have a strong soy Latte, a skinny cap and I love you”. “Oops you dropped your towel, I love you”. Smile while you watch the recipient squirm awkwardly.
Feed the contemporary stereotype of a young single (woman) and refuse to make a ‘big deal’ of the day. Sneak home from work to drink a bottle of wine, exfoliate with some sort of magical glove and coffee scrub, wear a gold plated face mask and throw the specifically purchased boutique truffle chocolates at the rom com you’ve selected for the occasion.
Buy a bunch of obscenely garish helium balloons of the Valentine’s persuasion. Tie them to your wrist. Do the same to your best mate and proceed with you day as per normal. The first one to cave and cut them off buys the other a bottle of tequila/champagne/new aF1's/lap dance/whatever other peccadillo you agree upon
Have obscenely passionate make-out sessions in public places. Like your local supermarket.