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How to: The Single (Girls) Guide to Surviving NYE Sans Plus One


THE EVENT: NYE

Aside from Valentines Day, NYE is flagged as the worst night of the year to be single. For some unknown reason the romantic notion that we all need someone (perfect) to kiss as the clock strikes 12 is pervasively upheld. For some reason it’s also a night pegged with an imprudent amount of expectation. I have to admit, it does suck not having that midnight pash lined up, but remember it’s your energy (not your lip activity) at 12.01am on the first day of the new year that will set the pace for your own new year. Enjoy the moment, embrace the positives, and, if there are none – just fucking laugh instead.

Here’s some options for your New Years Eve that do not include crying into a glass bottle of wine.

  1. Take your pet cat to see the fireworks in the biggest designer bag you can find. If you don’t have a cat, just take a cat calendar. Talking to a cat calendar/pet llama/blow up man is totally okay on NYE.

  2. During the course of the evening make it your mission to find someone to kiss at 12 – preferably of your own sexual persuasion (or not).

  3. If you’re attending a party, at 11.59pm start an aggressive Congo line so that nobody is physically able to kiss.

  4. Get a job as an Uber driver and charge drunk fuckwits a mint to get driven around.

  5. Organise a sophisticated and small picnic type of event with your friends that focuses more on cheese and fine beverages than boyfriends. Think Dinner en Blanc.

  6. Go to a party and spray everyone kissing with a water gun. Or throw sticks at them. Choose your weapon.

  7. Go to bed at 10pm – my personal favourite.

  8. If you don’t like NYE then don’t get sucked into it just because everyone else is. Would you jump off a building if I did? Don’t think so. Use the extra time that the rest of the world is out getting sloshed and being inappropriate to do something you really want to do, or, more mundanely catch up on last minute chores or tasks to make rolling into the New Year that bit more fresh and seamless.

  9. Swear as every firework explodes.

  10. Alternatively, have a shot with every firework.

  11. Use NYE as your personal time to write a list of goals for the new year, create a mood board, get started on a new project.

  12. Don’t obsess over perfection. It’s only one night of your life. Grab a friend or a bunch of friends and go to your favourite bar. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with doing something wonderfully familiar and enjoying the fuck out of it.

  13. Go home alone. It’s really okay. Waking up on New Years Day, in a new year and having your first conscious stream of thought be “Fuck-I-want-to-chew-off-my-own-arm-how-can-I-find-an-uber-ewwwwww-where-am-I-my-mouth-feels-like-I-ate-dog-biscuits-as-a-midnight-snack-fuck-I-want-to-die” is NOT fun.

  14. Go home alone. With a kebab. #dietstartsnextyear

Happy New Year. I look forward to taking you into our future; words and thoughts intertwined, in love, in hate, in man-sated frustration, in sexual energy and chaotic creativity.

Cheers and tequila filled love.


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