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How to: The Single (Girls) Guide to Surviving The Races Sans Plus One
The Event: The Races
The races mean one of two things; you're about to win money or vomit on yourself. With the odds stacked against us (day drinking + dress codes) I think it’s high time we define Race Day etiquette.
Dress appropriately. The races are traditionally classified as an event of prestige which means that your attire should be more sophistication less skank factor 2000. A lot of race days are also themed. This is not like a ‘suggested’ mufti day. Honour the tradition of the day and put effort into your outfit; whether it be black and white, florals or suits.
KEEP YOUR FUCKING SHOES ON.
There’s nothing wrong with enthusiasm but hollering, chanting or ferociously hooting at horses does not a lady or gent make.
On the note of shoes, make sure you never commit the loo faux pas of dragging a TP train around on your heel
This is the only event at which I suggest you closely monitor the amount of breakfast drinking you do. Day drinking takes its toll and champagne vomit is never glamorous (no matter how oddly appealing it may sound).
Take care of all beauty applications and hair styling BEFORE you commence pre drinking so you don’t wind up looking like a clown or mistaking grey eyeshadow for blush.
Fake tan with caution! Orange is not the new black.
Never pash anyone at the bar, no matter how hot you think they are through your champagne goggles.
Keep your hands and legs inside the carriage at all time. No heavy petting in full daylight. It’s never erotic no matter how intoxicated you are.
Stay hydrated to avoid waking up smelling like a day-old booze hound, and, in order to make it through til the race starts.
Strap yourself in: nipples, back fat and side boobage should be appropriately covered at all times.
Wear appropriate underwear, and, make sure nobody sees it when you are performing functional movements like sitting or walking.
Always drink, bet and be sexy responsibly.