EVENT: THE WEDDING
Drink Mimosa’s at every chance possible. Yes, breakfast beverages are acceptable on wedding days.
Dress appropriately. This means looking better than the bridal party but not as good as the bride or groom. Remember that your appearance is considered fair game for discussion by all of the dumpy moles in relationships that have nothing better to do than talk about that what you look like.
On the note of dressing: Wear a dress that falls below the knee and a conservative neckline with the idea of losing the battle to win the war.
In fact, wear the ugliest outfit you can find, but look incredible in it.
Invest in a hip-flask.
If a child cries at either the ceremony or reception it’s okay to hiss “SHHHHHHHH” and frown.
Hot beverage tip: Order Mimosa's throughout the reception. They offer the dual benefit of allowing you to get drunk quickly – because you can’t taste the cheap champagne annnnnd it also softens the impending hangover because it’s ¾ orange juice.
Never hustle to catch the bouquet. Stand towards the back of the pack of screaming girls and if it comes your way gracefully catch it with one hand, shrug and throw up a peace sign.
Yes, be actively social but disregard any clichéd questions about your relationship status and don’t allow them to penetrate your positivity. If need be make a point of telling the conversationalist that being single doesn’t automatically mean you are a frilled neck lizard underneath your clothes.
Buy a packet of cigarettes that you can bum puff outside in case you need a breather or feel like killing yourself.
Think about how much money you did not spend on organising this wedding.
It’s likely that you will be the victim of a shameless set up for being the ‘token single friend'. Actively choose whether or not to indulge this predetermined ‘fate’. Do not flirt with or pine after the token male single just because you feel obliged. You are not desperate. Even at a wedding.
Plan your exit strategy: Beg a friend to pick you up 15 minutes before the end of the reception. When people ask you where you’re going elusively mumble something about a VIP invite to a decadent event for (good) champagne and dancing. Even if the reality is that you’re going home to drink peppermint tea in fluffy socks with the dog. On this occasion, lying through your teeth is acceptable.