The Talk

FACT: The vast majority of women’s time is absorbed by trying to process, analyse and debunk common myths about men.

Women spend an obscene amount of time trying to compare one guy to another, then to an ex, our BFF’s boyfriend or their favourite Disney prince in a misaligned attempt to inform their present situation.  In fact, we get so deeply involved that the whole thing becomes convoluted, wildly abstract and, well, nothing like reality at all.

Have you ever realised that you can’t do simple things because you over think them? But more difficult movements or equations come naturally and easily? At the gym I can’t for the life of me do a simple STEP UP, which involves one step and each foot being put into use once. However, I can do standing headstands and hanging upside down sit ups with my eyes closed. Bizarre. My brain naturally likes to over intellectualise things and search for hidden meaning when really it’s just not that complex.

You can imagine then, just how often the below conversation is recycled between women who have become experts at over complicating all aspects of life.

Generally, it goes like this…

Boy and girl meet, hit it off and go on dates. Between dates 2 and 10* they have sex. There’s also some hand holding, definitive public displays of affection, consistent communication and meeting each others friends. Between Weeks 4 and 12 the girl, although happy with the way things are steadily rolling along with the boy, of course, by typical nature at the very core of being female starts to ask the question internally (and to anyone else who will listen) …”Where is this going?” This is because, as women we seek clarity in everything so we know where we stand. 

The girl uses any given opportunity to rehash all of the dates, sexual positions and sweet text messages that have already occurred between the pair with friends until someone suggests poignantly that she asks the worst question in the history of the world, the question that every male (and every woman in the flip situation) dreads… and that is: “What is actually happening with us?” Otherwise known colloquially as “The Talk”. Once the woman in question comes to the realisation that she needs to be assertive the conversation evolves into a game plan of how “The Talk” will be initiated and what will be said.

This process involves a heavy level of strategizing in terms of timing, location and ambiance (aka drunkness), outfit planning and not to mention, the crux of it all; dialogue.

Up until “The Talk”, la femme dominante rehearses her words, reassuring herself along the way that this conversation needs to take place. She reminds herself that she is a strong, mature woman. Why the hell wouldn’t said man be happy to dive right into an official relationship status change with you?! It’s been such fun so far! At times, she chickens out, thinking “Why fix what’s not broken?” and puts it off for a few more days. Soon enough though, that niggling feeling returns and after more inevitable discussion with girlfriends and psyching herself up by listening to Nicki Minaj or Jay Z on repeat, she returns to the decision that it’s time for “The Talk”. What she doesn’t realise is that whether she bites the bullet and opens her mouth or not, now, never or later, the outcome will always be the same.

I can’t count the number of times I’ve had this conversation with friends trying to open the holy grail of man to work out if he wanted to be with them or not. Despite the scenario presented the varying equations never quite added up. There was always an extenuating circumstance; a lingering if, a but or another long story that pre-empted or followed “The Talk”.

It took me a long, long time to fully recognise the redundancy of the conversation that women constantly cycle through every time they meet, and fall for a man. But, when the penny dropped and I completely came to terms with the simplicity of it then shit became much easier.

Life-altering-easier.

I was having the above described in depth, analytical discussion with a girlfriend where I was listing contents of text messages and dates and trying to ascertain what my currently frustratingly, evasive but simultaneously affectionate, flirtatious and cute party boy who I was ‘sort of’ seeing wanted from our current cocktail of intimacy, weekends dancing, Sunday nights in and mid week beach lazing. My very wise friend cut my ruminating down to nil with her next sentence:

“Max, if you have to ask, the answer is always no”.

At the time I was baffled by the simplicity of her words, but in retrospect they gave me more clarity than a school of spreadsheets.

If a man wants to be with you, they'll make it happen, they’ll lock you down so that no one else can snap you up first. If things keep rolling on, even if it’s great, if you have to ask then you know that the answer will sadly be a polite stream of apprehensive maybes or possible excuses.

To be clear: If you have to ask then the answer is always NO.

There is no reason for you to ever initiate “The Talk”, unless of course you are not getting what you deem to be acceptable and are ready to politely sever ties and walk. (And then it becomes, The Walk)

Let this be a lesson: Let the man initiate the talking. Always.

* 2-10 – Give or take a few depending on your position on the situation 

t’s also linked to the fact that as humans, we all want something real.*