Translating Break Up Lines

It’s no secret that the world of dating, relationships and casual hook ups is complex. We’re constantly confused about what’s happening IRL vs what we want (aka what we are imagining in the depths of our idealistic, romantically inclined minds).

With plenty of "only hanging out", "sex with friends", ambiguous feelings and the high probability of non exclusivity simplicity is rare.

If together-ness is this convoluted then you can bet your uncertain ass that "breaking up" is just as impossible to navigate.

If you've been left in the dark, here’s a contemporary translation of Break Up Lines, and all their modern iterations:

• You deserve better – You deserve better and I’ve decided I can’t (be bothered to) give that to you.

• We’re too alike – If I spend anymore time with you I’ll kill you.

• You just don’t understand me – You’re a basic bitch and you’ll never understand my depth.

• We’re just on different pages at the moment – I want to dive face first in a sea of long legs (various and repeatedly) whilst you’re angling for a diamond and a white picket fence.

• I care about you a lot but…. –  I’m not sexually attracted to you.

• I need to work out what I really want – I want to be single.

• I need to focus on my career – I don’t want to be with you. I want to be selfishly single and don’t have the balls to say so.

• I wish it could have worked out between us – I can’t be bothered to pursue you anymore, it’s too expensive and/or time consuming.

• I’m just a simple guy – I still don’t understand what that red shit in cocktails is.

• We like different things  –  You’re bad in bed.

• You’re not really my type – I’m not attracted to you, but can you introduce me to Amber, Sally and Siobhan?

• I’m not good enough for you – Your expectations are too high. And, too expensive. I like pubs.

• I don’t want to hold you back  – You’re too needy. You should be with someone that’s not me.

• I’m not ready for a relationship – I’m not ready for a relationship (with you). I still want to peruse the Panetone spectrum of (wo)men before I proceed past this point.

• I don’t want to be tied down at the moment –  (…..Unless it’s physically with rope or handcuffs)

• I need to prioritise myself –  I miss living with my hands down my pants whenever I want, eating pizza and watching porn.