The idea that we intuitively understand our romantic partners on a deeper level is incorrect. In fact being a freelance mind reader is on par with the fictional assumption that soul mates = unfaltering understanding. Although you may know someone’s shoe size, bed time routine and cute habits it does not give you an access all areas pass to the way they best communicate, and feel loved.
Every human is driven by an acutely different set of needs and wants. These are influenced by factors like: upbringing, past experience and our unique emotional landscape. Throughout life we (sub)consciously strive to have our needs and wants met consistently within our adult relationships. In most positive relationships there is natural, cyclical occurrence of give and take which helps to reinforce connection, build trust, maintain happiness and (hopefully) show love and adoration for one another. This becomes complex with the realisation that not everyone shows love and feels loved in the same way, but I guess it makes sense, given that we are all separate humans with our own brains, hearts and body pieces. The idea that we love differently is revolutionised when you unlock the ideology behind Gary Chapman’s “5 love Languages”. Widely referenced by therapists and psychologists alike, Chapman popularized the fundamental 5 languages with his book of the same name. Often labelled a power move in seduction, the 5 Love Languages provide a shortcut to expressing your affection and intentions in a way that they will be appreciated by your partner; like a cheat code for your relationship.
The 5 love languages are:
Words of Affirmation: Those who love with words are comfortable expressing their adoration via words; either written or vocally. They’re all about communication. They’re likely to call you for a chat, and will happily add “I love you” to the end of every phone call.
Acts of Service: Actions speak louder than words is what those affluent in acts of service live by. They may not be vocal about their feelings but they will go out of the way to show you how they feel. Perhaps they’ll bring you a coffee when they visit or water your plants for you.
Quality Time: Time is invaluable is a common perspective of those who measure love with it. Spending uninterrupted and focused time with a loved one is how this love language unfurls. People who appreciate quality time will value presents that capitalise on spending precious time together; a holiday, a couples spa treatment or a dinner at a new restaurant.
Gifts: Gift givers lavish their loved ones with presents that represent their feelings. It’s important to note that the thoughtfulness behind each gift will be what differentiates someone that buys your love and someone that shows genuine adoration via presents.
Physical Touch: Easily misunderstood as sex, physical touch is nothing to do with one’s libido levels and everything to do with how much they enjoy being touched in everyday settings. They will feel adored via physical signs of affection; someone playing with their hair, subtly stroking their hand or massaging their feet.
You can quite easily work out someone’s love language through observation and paying attention to how they respond to people, circumstances and conversations.
Awareness of both your own love language (how you receive love) and the way you typically show love, combined with knowledge of both aspects of your partner’s love language will bring a fluidity and ease to your relationships.