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Nah, you're a Fuckboy

Sadly, Fuckboys have become such a predominant hallmark of the dating landscape that they’ve earned their right to a solid definition in the arena of male species. They come in all shapes and forms, masquerading under the guise of a normal male adult.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with holding court with a Fuckboy, if that’s your MO. As long you’re aware that he is, in fact, a Fuckboy and you know how to play your cards accordingly you should be able to avoid getting fucked up, out or over. 

Primary fuckboy features listed below. Get to 4 and know he’s most certainly a fuck boy. 

  • He’s flakier than the delicious Cadbury favourite of the same name.

  • He has a roaming eye, which never rests. Even in your company.

  • He’s super charming and confident. Fun Fact: Men who are easily confident around you are - usually the ones that genuinely are not into you. 

  • He’s allergic to ‘labelling things’.

  • He’s emotionally avoidant, or, emotionally rampant. This means he’s either completely -- evasive and deflective about his feelings (should he actually have any) or he plays up to his feelings (that are not genuine) to trip you up. He’ll openly appear pained about you having ever encountered another man, even via a whiff of eau de parfum, or he’ll avoid the fact that he’s in the same room with a female when another human enquiries. Who put that there?!

  • He has a lot of female friends that he’s not forthcoming about introducing with any level of clarity.

  • He “hangs out” with you on his terms, which are whimsical to say the very least. 

  • He insists that he wants to see you but when it comes to agreeing on a time he’s more vague than furniture delivery time slots. i.e. “I’ve got a few things on between Thursday and Sunday but let’s stay in touch”.

  • He’s often texting when he’s in your company, and it aint to his bros.

  • He calls you baby, babe, bae, babygirl, girl, or bub subconsciously. This is because he’s well versed in defending his errant bachelorhood by adopting a general complacency towards names. Names leave room for error.

  • He wants to see you but claims you’re always busy. Ahhhh reverse psychology. Oh dude, c’mon.  

  • His excuses are so wildly detailed that they can only be believable. Or so he thinks. 

  • He doesn’t want anyone else to have you, but he won’t reveal his intentions with you either.

  • You meet his friends and they treat you with vague familiarity. It’s generally because they can’t -remember if you’re Lana, Laura or Sam. They know their boy’s MO and it ain’t putting a ring on it. His friends treat you with an air of detached curiosity. It’s because they know something about your business that you are not yet aware of (or are in denial about) ie. your boy has introduced them to 8 other girls in the past 2 weeks with the same practiced enthusiasm and affection. 

  • He’s obsessed with you while he’s in your presence, then behaves like a dead fish when he’s not.

  • He uses pressure, guilt or manipulation as a way to influence you. 

  • He’ll text you 8 times in a row and then not reply for 18 days.

  • He regularly cancels, postpones or changes plans.

  • He’s ambiguous with details (mostly about what he’s been doing, who he’s been with or when).

  • He can’t (or won’t) fuck. There’s nothing worse than a fuck boy who doesn’t do what he’s there to do. Some fuckboys are particularly heinous because they get off on the attention that the receive from being a fuckboy. This is legitimately worse than calling yourself an investment banker when you’re actually a crocodile, i.e. It makes no sense and is pathetic masquerading. 


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