Things you should know about heartbreak
Every break up is unique in the way that it unravels, just as every relationship is different to the next. Breaks ups and relationships are inextricably linked; you can't have one without the other, but what we often don’t realise is that break ups themselves are the start of a completely new relationship; both with yourself and with your ex-partner. That new relationship takes time to form and is dependent on a great many variables. When it comes to break ups, you never know what to expect; some are easier than expected, some are messy and others are death defying, but in any case where the heart strings have been severed you’re looking at a minimum term of emotional duress.
Here’s some things you may not know about facing heartbreak:
Calories no longer count.
Pervasive existentialism is a way of life.
There is no Band-Aid big enough.
Hello? It’s me. Yes, and Adele is making millions off your melancholy ass.
You’ll probably cry at the most inopportune moments; at the supermarket, in front of your boss, in the car, in bookshops, cafes and at bars.
Valium is your friend. Sprinkle that shit everywhere.
Sometimes aerobic exercise is difficult – it can cause choking when combined with tears.
Broken hearts are still susceptible to hang overs.
Getting angry before bedtime drastically messes with your quality of sleep.
Life’s biggest puzzles are even more quizzical and unjust; Kim & Kanye are still together but I just got dumped?! Yes champ.
Everyone on your social media feed will conveniently get married or pregnant right about now.
Meals and food groups get blurry – rocky road for breakfast and celery sticks for dinner are commonplace.
The pain of heart break is actually a physical feeling.
Yoga WILL make you cry.
Hibernating or avoiding human interaction is a perfectly acceptable coping mechanism.
MOVE ON…yeah, with nausea – ‘Move on’ is the most overused, misrepresented and trite cliché in the whole history of relationship and breakup advice. Vomit.
It’s okay to be allergic to men/women/relationships/dating/affection for ever a while.
Time is calculated in dog years; one month = one year.
Dressing = unnecessary effort.
Yes, you are now single. But this doesn’t mean you should feel obliged to go on blind dates, sympathy dates, double dates or download Tinder.
Getting out the old rolodexes of exes and past heart break is normal.
Chocolate tastes like nothing at all anymore.
Hyperbole and the glistening hope of future lessons crystallising is the only saving grace that makes it worth living through.