“The new girl is obviously a perfectly, perfect beige girl who looks like she goes to yoga, like consistently, has manicured frosted baby pink nails, never sweats and always looks like she’s floated out of a fucking Camilla & Marc catalogue.”
Are you bored by the sound of your own voice? Do you fall asleep when you see your own shadow? Chances are, you’re beige. Shout out to Brown Cardigan for bringing the beige phenomenon (and one of my often used colloquialisms) into the public arena: BEIGE.
The male version of a Beige Cardigan is Dry Toast. And regardless of what they’ve got between their legs, they’re equally as bland.
Beige women are a huge threat to everyday, casually and haphazardly cute girls. This is because they are perfect. Or they successfully perpetuate the myth that they are perfect. They never sweat, never put on weight or spill coffee on themselves. They have flawlessly curled hair, rosy cheeks and skin like a peaches ass. These are generally not the type of details that men notice but as a grown woman they'll get right under your skin. The beige girls’ modus operandi is simple; find man, get sparkly ring on finger. If you’re a beige girl then your requests are either so non-offensive that they go undetected or are very cleverly disguised manipulations. “I want to be make you happy *cough-cough Chanel bag cough*..”
Regardless of whether men are aware of this or not, they like beige girls for the comfort and ease they bring to their lives. Perhaps the beige girl upkeep is high, but it’s worth it for the fact that their washing is neat and folded daily, ties are perfectly knotted and an eyebrow never raised when the cat is out to play.
But the real shock is that beige bird don’t just rub women up the wrong way either, they actually do, after the penny drops and the monotony sets in, annoy the shit out of men too. This is because, despite popular belief men enjoy engaging with women on an intellectual level. There’s only so far good looks and (amenable) bedroom skills can take you.
Let’s look to pop culture for a reasonably relevant example. The Leonardo Dicaprio of 2020 is swiftly being pegged as the contemporary rake. Taking a page out of Clooney’s book he’s got more leggy blonde model spreads than a shelf of Harpers Bazaar’s. If he can get sick of Baar Rafaeli, Gisele Bundshen and Miranda Kerr – arguably some of the most divine creatures on the planet then its likely that all men want more than just a firm ass and blow-dried hair.
If you’re on the end of a lull; on the phone, he’s not texting you back, or pretending to be asleep then chances are you’re beige and been demoted from actual dating potential because you’re boring as bat shit.
Don’t be beige. Don’t fuck with beige.