How to: Break up with the man NOT of your dreams
Here's the scenario. It's the end of the season (summer/festive/hunting) and instead of picking up some designer jeans on sale you’re left wondering if actually you should dump your douche lord boyfriend instead. Just like finding something you actually want on sale, breaking up with anyone, no matter how much of a dud they are is really very tricky.
To make it easier, or at least quicker here’s the foolproof guide to dumping the man NOT of your dreams:
Always use a park. Why do you think those benches are so strategically placed?
Beware the request to ‘grab a coffee’. Everyone knows that’s an ominous precursor for ‘the talk’, which means you may need to be a bit creative when you attempt to preface the invitation to your other ‘talk’.
Write a shit list. In summary – write a list of things of the shit things this person has put you through in order to summon the persuasive strength to pull you through the big event. As a side note never, ever send them (or anyone) your shit list.
You get extra points for using obscure quotes or original analogies as part of your reasoning to end the relationship.
If you cry, you’ll never live it down, if you don’t you’ll never live it down.
Come prepared – vodka, dark glasses and make up wipes are all essential.
Stay hydrated – these types of situations take a physical toll on your body, particularly if it is an endurance event.
Make no reference to the future; with him in it or out of it.
FYI you need to be broken up (for a period of time) to indulge in the consummate pleasure; ‘Sex with the Ex’.
Shoot to Kill – Say it once and coherently or forever hold your peace.
Don't drag it out. Don't use the words, "maybe", or "possibly".
Abandon Ship – Be prepared to part with all of the belongings that you left at his place.
Phone a friend – Pre-emptively put your support networks on speed dial. Ask someone to call you at a certain time so you can excuse yourself from any discussions that take a Spanish inquisition style turn.
Do not delay – There’s no right time for shit things like this to take place; Christmas – sure, birthdays – even better, Valentines Day – ding dong dang, JACKPOT!
For dramatic effect be uncontactable until further notice.
Break hearts responsibly