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Let’s talk about sex. But not in the salacious way. In fact I want to try and bring a pragmatism to thinking about sex. This could be an oxymoron but here goes. The way I see it, sex is two different sides of the same coin. One side of that coin, let's call it Heads ( pun intended) represents sex as a true expression of intimacy. This is an act that organically encourages deeper emotions to form, and with inevitable release of Oxytocin it’s likely that the after affect of "heads sex" will include attachment, heightened chemistry and admiration. This is the sex that makes us feel something. It’s the sex that we will defend to the death with the simple words “we had sex”, as if the act itself stripped both participants bare and left only vulnerability and a raw, carnal knowledge of one another.
On the other side of that same coin, and just as important to consider is Tails sex. This is sex is sex is sex, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. Ultimately sex is a basic human need, just like water, food and oxygen but we often forget Tails sex, because we naturally favour the “sex as a romantic experience” sex.
It’s helpful to know that there’s a difference between the types of sex that we all have and applying a lens of rationality can help us navigate the almost instantaneous (and dangerous) romanticisation of sex.
Here’s why.
People often come to me in the early stages of dating trying to navigate the stress of the attachment that they’ve formed to someone new. One of the most common anxieties is “What if he/she goes out on the weekend and sleeps with someone else”.
Realistically it’s probably 70% likely that they will. If you're not exclusive then they can, and most single people have options. However, when you consider the Heads and Tails of sex you’ll soon realise that if they DO go out and have sex with someone else they’re only 50% likely to have (Heads) life changing sex. If they do, you might have a problem. If they don’t, and it’s Tails sex, it won’t have much of an impact on you.
A few months ago, I had sex with a friend and it was 100% Tails sex, and there were no emotions involved. When I reflected on the experience the only residual feelings I had about this Tails sex, was frustration about being asked how I FELT. I didn’t feel anything. The sex was mutually consensual. I respect the friendship and the sex had absolutely no impact on it. Sometimes sex is just sex and we need to let it be without fabricating an emotional narrative to justify it, or tease out feelings that simply don’t exist. It’s okay to have both types of sex. Humans are multifaceted, emotions ebb and flow and we are capable of being either simple, or complex in any given situation.