The more I write and think about relationships the more I develop a formulaic understanding of it. Anecdotes become more relevant and complexities unravel. Of course this idea is flawed because love and feelings are possibly the last things that could ever be whittled down to an equation. Ironically, I think that’s why we try. Love scares us senseless. It’s uncontrollable, risky and unpredictable. Apart from death is there anything that terrifies, confuses and flattens us as much as love?
It’s not a surprise that we all try so desperately to clarify and define; to box it up into neat little packages, thereby hopefully lessening the fear associated with jumping in.
Here’s another one of my (painstakingly analytical) attempts to bring definition to the most gorgeously chaotic, messy and excruciating challenges we will ever be confronted by.
In my opinion there’s 2 contributing factors to facilitating a harmonious relationship; timing and compatibility. Two little words, massive associated impact.
Depending on who you are, or where you are, one of these elements of truth may be far more important in determining what works for you right now. Some humans are driven by time, necessity and functionality so meeting someone who fits relatively well with them, at the time they most need them is all they ask for. The others, maybe the more romantic, idealistic of us are looking for an all consuming love; their perfect match, that complementary other half, that someone who will walk through life with them, their person. And when they find them, timing is no barrier (at least theoretically). Most of us need at least one or the other factor to fall into place.
Humans don’t always do things by the book, and by this I mean that it’s a common occurrence that one will ‘fall’ in love before ascertaining whether or not the fit is right. Or, if it’s actually the right time? Because is it ever?
As humans with high emotional capabilities it’s only natural to ‘fall’ in love with someone before recognizing whether your pairing really fits, in substance or in timing.
It’s also apparent that humans like to fiddle with their own hearts as much as they do food, Instagram filters and genetics, so if we intuitively suspect that one of these crucial elements is amiss (but we reallllllly really want it to work) we’ll try to compensate via complete ignorance or by trying to counter balance with a little more of something else.
So, what exactly do I mean by Compatibility and Timing?
Compatibility – Compatibility is the intuitive feeling that you fit well with someone. I say intuitive because I believe you know very quickly when you are compatible with someone, and perhaps it’s even more obvious when you are not. Even before you use tools like the Central Vortex of Attributes to specifically evaluate the critical points of a relationship, you just know. Compatibility is concerned with things like values and fundamental personality attributes.
Timing – Timing, like compatibility is one of those motherfuckers that in the end, is pretty non-negotiable. Perhaps it’s more of a fluid notion in a relationship, though, because time is in a constant state of flux and we can consciously work against it. It’s easier to think that timing is ‘right’ than it is to convince your heart of compatibility. In a landscape of emotional chess, both timing and compatibility can be manipulated. However, due to its pervasive yet covert nature, timing will always be a slower heart breaker, it's easier to spot and harder to deny.
Sometimes, the reality is that we have less control than we ever really know.