If you haven’t seen the brief clip on YouTube called the ‘Crazy-Hot Matrix’ that ranks women on a graph based on their hotness compared with their level of ‘crazy’ then do that now here. In summary, hot girls are allegedly, usually crazy, therefore a hot, intelligent and relatively normal girl is like a unicorn; a mythical beast with strawberry flavoured nipples, the body of barbie, a glitter tail and a strong inclination for domesticity.
Trying to plot men on a similar graph doesn’t allow for such a consistent result; sometimes the less attractive the more crazy they are. Often, unfortunately the more attractive, the less substance; unless of course, they’re a fucking unicorn. See, same same. Go choke on your crazy hot sliding scale guys.
To help remedy my anger over the fact that a man has plotted women on a scale of attractiveness vs sanity I’m going to write yet another checklist of qualities that every male should have to validate his existence as a potential romantic suitor. Here goes:
He’s kind to his mum. Call it old fashioned, but to me, the way a man treats his mum is indicative of his respect for women, and how, in years to come he’s likely to treat you. Observing the relationship between a man and his mother is a powerful dose of truth serum and insight into his character.
He has (a) passion and ambition. His mind is always ticking over and thinking about his next project or how to better an element of his life. That very ambition sets his heart on fire in the reckless pursuit of passion; daily and relentlessly.
He doesn’t hate books. This is less about him being a bookworm and more about the fact that he’s open to learning. About anything. Wanting to learn shows intellectual maturity, open-mindedness, adaptability and an inherent inquisitiveness.
He has a positive energy and people like being in his presence. Moreover, his energy resonates harmoniously with your own.
He knows what he wants and is open and honest about it. This means he can talk about the future without breaking out in a stress rash and isn’t afraid of commitment beyond a phone contract.
He puts his own personal spin on romance. Perhaps it’s as simple as bringing you coffee, leaving you a handwritten note or to sending you a surprise bunch of flowers on your least favourite day of the week but he’s romantic in his own way. At the heart of romance is thoughtfulness and he's never afraid to be expressive or transparent about his feelings for you.
When you’re with him it’s always an adventure. You always have fun together; whether its travelling, doing the groceries, getting stuck in traffic or going to obligatory family events it’s always an adventure.
He picks you up when you’re down, and will always look after you. Women may be natural nurturers but this is why it’s so important that they receive care too. It may not be easy, and it’s definitely not pretty but it’s also a non negotiable for any serious relationship.
He doesn’t play games. He doesn’t flirt with girls to make you jealous, never purposely avoids your texts or calls and shows patience when you get all weird about his female colleague asking him to ‘hang out’.
He wants to see you. Yes he juggles a busy life; work, seeing mates, walking the dog, sculpting muscles and tinkering with an eclectic bag of hobbies but he actually wants to see you and he makes it happen.
He’s your number one fan. Whether it's encouraging you into asking for a pay rise, never allowing anyone to speak poorly of you, taking you to the gym when you say you want to lose weight, helping you pursue your passions or just liking every damn silly thing you post on Instagram he’s always got your back, even behind your back.
He keeps you grounded. He makes you stop and reconsider buying a vintage Chanel for $3800, listens to your mildly insane insecurities and gently nudges you back into the land of reality without being patronising. And he makes you laugh when he pokes fun at your military style daily routine and bed time rules.
He allows you to be yourself. No matter how neurotic, crazy or wild you can be. He’ll watch you unravel in all your mysterious magic, shake his head and simply say, with pure unadulterated bliss, ‘I love her’ as he smiles even wider.
The unicorn isn't just a myth, go get yours.